Joke of the day

[Ozstung]

Why I Like Retirement!




Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday




Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.




Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.





Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.




Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.





Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.



Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.





Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!




Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.




Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.





Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.





Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

And, my very favourite....


QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY




Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs

and have fun finding them.



I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER:


Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune

to run into the ones I do, and the

eyesight to tell the difference.



'*********

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with

5 or 6, maybe 10 others.

Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can

remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!

 

[Flameangel]

View attachment 56894

What a shocking experience he must have felt.

 

[Flameangel]

 

[Flameangel]

 

[Flameangel]

 

[Flameangel]

 

[Flameangel]

 

[Ozstung]

Subject: Fwd: BUSINESS UPDATE


It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of COVID-19.



A local bra manufacturer has gone bust.

A submarine company has gone under.

A manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

A company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

A local strip club has gone tits up.

Interflora is pruning its business.

A local Plumber has gone down the drain.

The saddest one though is the ice cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He couldn't take it anymore and topped himself.

 

[Hockster]

 

[Flameangel]

A rare photo of a Stork delivering a Baby......

 

[Flameangel]

 

[Hockster]

 

[boosted1g]

 

[eljay]

Another report from the land of retirement:

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog; I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no. I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[eljay]

 

[boosted1g]

 

[Ozstung]

Subject: Fw: Captain Smithers


In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fxxked."

 

[Flameangel]

 

[Flameangel]

 

[Chark]

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine,were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence.....
The rest of the year went very smoothly.