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Joke of the day

Discussion in 'Community Lounge' started by Ozstung, Oct 15, 2018.

  1. Ozstung

    Ozstung Australia 1000 Posts Club! Sustaining Member

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    Subject: Fw: Tom's Scrotum





    Tom's Scrotum

    The story doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story told by a loving wife.......

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain"


    We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

    "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

    He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

    "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."








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    • Funny Funny x 8
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  2. Rango

    Rango United States Stinger Enthusiast

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    A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.o_O:D
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
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  3. OliverNuther

    OliverNuther Australia Stinger Enthusiast

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    Good one guys. I’ve been thinking for a while of starting a thread like this but I haven’t been able to think of any jokes that are clean enough or non-offensive enough to share publicly.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. Stinger GT SS

    Stinger GT SS Australia 2500 Posts Club!

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    Q. Why do women wear white to their wedding?

    A. To match all the other kitchen appliances.

    So politically incorrect.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  5. OliverNuther

    OliverNuther Australia Stinger Enthusiast

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    You’re a braver man than me. You might be in for some flak from a certain bike rider come the next NSW meet. :)
     
  6. Stinger GT SS

    Stinger GT SS Australia 2500 Posts Club!

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    Hahahaha, already told her the joke on our last run, she immediately text it to her son, loved it.
    I’m not here to be offensive or sexist but this is funny in my opinion & I’m sure the gals on here would have similar men jokes to share.
     
  7. LaserJet

    LaserJet Australia Member

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    The wife says: my dear husband, for my next birthday I want a special present. Something that I can step on with my right foot, and it goes 0 to 100 in two seconds flat.

    Husband: bathroom scales?
     
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  8. OliverNuther

    OliverNuther Australia Stinger Enthusiast

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    Oh ok then I’ll man up and join in.

    My wife said to me I’m thinking of getting a boob job but it’ll cost $ 10 000. I said just get some toilet paper and rub that between your boobs. That’ll do the job for free. She said, toilet paper? How does that work? I said, buggered if I know but it worked on your arse.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  9. Ozstung

    Ozstung Australia 1000 Posts Club! Sustaining Member

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    Looks like Stinger Gtss made up for you:D
     
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  10. AV8R

    AV8R Australia 5000 Posts Club! Staff Member Authorized Vendor Moderator

    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. AV8R

    AV8R Australia 5000 Posts Club! Staff Member Authorized Vendor Moderator

    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. AV8R

    AV8R Australia 5000 Posts Club! Staff Member Authorized Vendor Moderator

    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. MerlintheMad

    MerlintheMad United States 2500 Posts Club!

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    i hate you. LOL! I knew I had been had, about two lines before the end.
     
  14. Ozstung

    Ozstung Australia 1000 Posts Club! Sustaining Member

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    What Confucius did not say!


    CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

    Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

    Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

    Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

    Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

    Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

    Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

    Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

    War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

    It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

    Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

    Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.



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    • Funny Funny x 2
  15. AV8R

    AV8R Australia 5000 Posts Club! Staff Member Authorized Vendor Moderator

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  16. Roarbomb

    Roarbomb United States Active Member

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    Q: What kind of bees make milk?

    A: Boo-bees

    I laugh way more than a grown man should every time i hear this joke
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  17. Ozstung

    Ozstung Australia 1000 Posts Club! Sustaining Member

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    Mmm...well my wife liked it....keep trying:laugh::laugh::rofl::laugh:
     
  18. MerlintheMad

    MerlintheMad United States 2500 Posts Club!

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    Come on people, the Aussies are the only ones with jokes? I've waited so long for more jokes that I forgot this thread existed.

    Okay, here's a favorite; apparently this is Mexico's favorite joke:

    The new chief of the local Indian tribe was not of the old, traditional school; in fact prior to his assumption of his duties as the new chief, he had been away at college. He felt quite insecure in his role as the leader of his people.

    When they asked him if the approaching winter was going to be a short and mild one, or a long and hard and cold one, he looked skyward thoughtfully and then said the only thing that came into his mind: "I think that you should go gather firewood." His people nodded and did as their chief had suggested. Whew! the new chief thought. This is already harder than I thought, being chief.

    To reassure himself, he went into town and called the National Weather Service and asked the meteorologist that answered the phone the same question his people had asked him. "It is going to be a rough winter," the meteorologist said. "Thank you," said the new chief, relieved that his advice to his people had been confirmed.

    He went back to his people and summoned them together. "I want you to gather more firewood," he said. "I believe the coming winter is going to be a difficult one." His people smiled and set to work, gathering more firewood. Their confidence in the new chief was increasing daily.

    But he was still not quite sure of this yet, and he went into town again to call the NWS. A different voice answered the phone. "Are you sure this winter is going to be a difficult, hard one?" the chief asked. The meteorologist answered in the affirmative.

    More convinced now, that he was onto something big, the new chief returned to his people and with authority pronounced this coming winter to be one of the hardest, worst, most difficult in living memory: and he enjoined his people to stop what they were doing and concentrate on getting in a good supply of firewood to see them all through the coming snows. It warmed his heart to see how quickly his people leaped to do his bidding.

    But, being after all very new to this chiefing business, he just had to make sure, and so one more time he went into town and called the NWS. "How do you know that this winter is going to be a long hard one?" he asked.

    "Well," said the meteorologist on the phone, "for one thing, all the local Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
     
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  19. eljay

    eljay United States Stinger Enthusiast

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    Why did I not know this thread existed?!

    OK, let's keep it car related.

    A highway patrol officer saw a Stinger limping along at 5 MPH as other traffic whizzed by at 75. He turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.

    Approaching the car, he saw four elderly women, the three passengers all with various frozen expressions of horror on their faces.

    The driver, obviously puzzled, said, “Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t speeding, I was doing exactly the speed limit! Shouldn't you be pulling over all those horrid, unsafe speeders?”

    “Ma’am, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the traffic flow can also be a danger to other drivers.”

    “But sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly—five miles an hour!” She pointed to a sign next to the road.

    The officer stifled a laugh and explained to her that the sign was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman grinned sheepishly and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem terrified.”

    “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just came from Pasadena on the 134.”
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2018
    • Funny Funny x 5
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  20. GRStinger

    GRStinger United States Active Member

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    A man walks into a bar. Only one other person there: a guy sitting at end of the bar, looking really depressed. And on the bar in front of him is a foot-tall man playing a little piano.

    The man asks the guy - what the heck is that? The guy says: “Well, I went out back to the alley to take a leak. There was a shinny lantern in the garbage can. I picked it up, rubbed it… then a genie appeared and granted me a wish”.

    That’s man says – wow, that’s fantastic! Where’s the lantern? The guy says: “I threw it back in the garbage.” The man says – why in the world did you do that? The guy says: “You think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?!?”
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2018
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