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Joke of the day

Ozstung

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Western Sydney.
Why I Like Retirement!




Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday




Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.




Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.





Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.




Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.





Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.



Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.





Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!




Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.




Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.





Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.





Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

And, my very favourite....


QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY




Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs

and have fun finding them.



I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER:


Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune

to run into the ones I do, and the

eyesight to tell the difference.



'*********

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with

5 or 6, maybe 10 others.

Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can

remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!
 

Ozstung

5000 Posts Club!
5,100
1,551
118
Western Sydney.
Subject: Fwd: BUSINESS UPDATE


It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of COVID-19.



A local bra manufacturer has gone bust.

A submarine company has gone under.

A manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

A company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

A local strip club has gone tits up.

Interflora is pruning its business.

A local Plumber has gone down the drain.

The saddest one though is the ice cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He couldn't take it anymore and topped himself.
 

Hockster

Stinger Enthusiast
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boosted1g

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