Joke of the day

[GRStinger]

A young man goes for an evening visit to see his indigent elderly grandfather in the nursing home.

The nurse comes into the room to give the old man his daily meds: “Here’s your heart pill; here’s your blood-pressure pill; here’s your cholesterol pill… and here’s ½ of Viagra”.

The young man pulls the nurse aside and says, “I understand all those other pills , but what’s up with the ½ Viagra?”

The nurse says, “That’s so he doesn’t roll out of bed at night.”

 

[Ozstung]

I hear a "Lexophile" is a term used to describe those who are clever with words, such as "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish" , or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophillies is held every year in Dubuque, Iowa. The year's winning submissions: ... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. ... The batteries were given out free of charge. ... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. …The dentist who married a podiatrist—they treated foot & mouth disease. ... A will is a dead giveaway. ... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. ... A boiled egg is hard to beat. ... Police were called to the daycare centre, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. .. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. ... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. ... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. ... He had a photographic memory which was never developed. ... When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye. ... Acupuncture is a job well done. That's the point of it.

 

[GRStinger]

I hear a "Lexophile" is a term used to describe those who are clever with words, such as "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish" , or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophillies is held every year in Dubuque, Iowa. The year's winning submissions: ... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. ... The batteries were given out free of charge. ... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. …The dentist who married a podiatrist—they treated foot & mouth disease. ... A will is a dead giveaway. ... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. ... A boiled egg is hard to beat. ... Police were called to the daycare centre, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. .. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. ... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. ... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. ... He had a photographic memory which was never developed. ... When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye. ... Acupuncture is a job well done. That's the point of it.

Wow! All those award-winners are hard to beat, but I'll give it a couple of shots:
I wanted to be a rock collector, but I took everything for granite.
I wanted to be a baker, but I could raise the dough.
I wanted to be a professional bowler, but it wasn't up my alley.

 

[Ozstung]

Wow! All those award-winners are hard to beat, but I'll give it a couple of shots:
I wanted to be a rock collector, but I took everything for granite.
I wanted to be a baker, but I could raise the dough.
I wanted to be a professional bowler, but it wasn't up my alley.

...reasonable

 

[SteveCo]

I hear a "Lexophile" is a term ...

A three year old resisting a rest - that one made my day ...

 

[eljay]

The snail was sick of being so slow, so he decided to try some mods. He ditched his shell in hopes that the dropped weight would help him go faster, but it only made him sluggish.

 

[SteveCo]

The snail was sick of being so slow, so he decided to try some mods. He ditched his shell in hopes that the dropped weight would help him go faster, but it only made him sluggish.

So he bought a Stinger and painted a big 'S' on the hood, and a big 'S' on each of the doors. When asked why, he said he always wanted people to see him drive by and say 'Look at that es-car-got!'

 

[MerlintheMad]

I got this from a once-famous comedian (blanking on his name now, Murray somethingorother?):

A proctologist and a psychiatrist decided to go into practice together. They had difficulty agreeing on a name for their combined practice. One suggested "Nuts and Butts". The other liked "Rears and Queers" better. Finally they settled on "Odds and Ends".

 

[Flameangel]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said " I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids- I just don't get it."

" Well," said the big Croc, " what have you been eating ?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

" Hmm. Well, where do you catch them ?"

" On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra"

" Same here.Hmm....how do you catch them ?".

" Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out,
grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Croc, " I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.See, by the time you finish shaking
the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase "

 

[OliverNuther]

Two blondes standing on opposite sides of a river.

One yells to the other - “How do I get to the other side?”

The other yells back - “ You already are !”

 

[MerlintheMad]

(Last night at my 99 year-old uncle's memorial - he died one week short of his birthday, which was yesterday - a friend was talking about his younger brother's tumor coiled around his guts like a boa constrictor, and I nearly came out with this old childhood song, but managed to restrain myself: but I want to share, so here goes: )

I'm being swallowed by a boa constrictor
A boa constrictor
A boa constrictor;
I'm being swallowed by a boa constrictor
And I don't like it one bit.
Oh no! he's grabbed my toe!
Oh geez! he's up to my knees!
Oh fiddle! he's squeezing my middle!
Oh pest! he's got my chest!
Oh heck! he's around my neck!
Oh dread! he's ...

 

[eljay]

(Last night at my 99 year-old uncle's memorial - he died one week short of his birthday, which was yesterday - a friend was talking about his younger brother's tumor coiled around his guts like a boa constrictor, and I nearly came out with this old childhood song, but managed to restrain myself: but I want to share, so here goes: )

I'm being swallowed by a boa constrictor
A boa constrictor
A boa constrictor;
I'm being swallowed by a boa constrictor
And I don't like it one bit.
Oh no! he's grabbed my toe!
Oh geez! he's up to my knees!
Oh fiddle! he's squeezing my middle!
Oh pest! he's got my chest!
Oh heck! he's around my neck!
Oh dread! he's ...

By the great Shel Silverstein! This poem/song always cracks me up.

Condolences, and congratulations on restraining yourself. And sharing here.

 

[westcoastGT]

This ones for AV8R ............................

 

[eflyguy]

How.. even..

 

[westcoastGT]

How.. even..

what am I missing ........................

 

[OliverNuther]

Q - What does Hot Lips Houlihan have in common with Niki Lauda?

A- They’ve both been fked by Major Burns.

You have to be a child of the 70’s or older to fully appreciate this one.

 

[Flameangel]

Q - What does Hot Lips Houlihan have in common with Niki Lauda?

A- They’ve both been fked by Major Burns.

You have to be a child of the 70’s or older to fully appreciate this one.

Was hot lips Houlihan from that tv series Mash ? my parents used to watch it, I vaguely remember bits but I was very young then.

 

[SteveCo]

Q - What does Hot Lips Houlihan have in common with Niki Lauda?

A- They’ve both been fked by Major Burns.

You have to be a child of the 70’s or older to fully appreciate this one.

Oh, man - Niki certainly had his share of detractors over the years, but it's hard to even fathom what he went through after that horrifying accident. Can't give you a smiley on this one ...

 

[OliverNuther]

Was hot lips Houlihan from that tv series Mash ? my parents used to watch it, I vaguely remember bits but I was very young then.

Yes she was and was in a relationship with Major Frank Burns. At the same time MASH was airing Niki Lauda was a leading F1 driver and was badly burned in a crash during a race.

Oh, man - Niki certainly had his share of detractors over the years, but it's hard to even fathom what he went through after that horrifying accident. Can't give you a smiley on this one ...

That’s ok mate. I wasn’t trying to make light of his accident. What he’s achieved afterwards is testament to his tenacity. The humour, for me anyway, is in the way the joke works on many levels. Humour is in the eye of the beholder and can often be offensive. Having said that, I wasn’t trying to be offensive, to you or anyone else.

 

[Ozstung]

Well FINALLY, it just had to come to this sooner or later!

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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
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An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
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A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde male neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching you yesterday."

To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday