Joke of the day

[Chark]

When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandpa did...
Not at all like the passengers in his Stinger GT!

 

[GRStinger]

When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandpa did...
Not at all like the passengers in his Stinger GT!

When die, I hope someones says of me: "Gee, that guy owed me a lot of money".

 

[Ozstung]

Politically correct joke.


As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one: An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Pakistani, aMexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club. Wait for it! The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "

 

[Flameangel]

He also say man with hand in pockets always on the ball.
Confuscious had a silly brother, his name was Sumting Wong

yes and he had a cousin named Ok I Wong and a 95 yo Grandfather with no teeth named Chew man Chew.

 

[SteveCo]

Much like the previously published real-life aircraft ground maintenance reports, there are numerous transcripts of real-life pilot conversations with ATC. Obviously this occurred a few years ago, but this has always been one of my favorites.

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short- tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (arrogantly): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."

 

[OliverNuther]

Two social workers are walking down the street. They happen across a man who has been beaten and robbed. Lying in the gutter, beaten, bruised and bleeding, the poor bloke has been stripped of all his valuables and is near death.

The social workers look at the man, then each other and one says: We have to find who did this straight away.

He desperately needs our help!

 

[Coast GT]

I was reading in the paper today about a poor little dwarf that got pick pocketed on a tram in Melbourne

How could anyone stoop so low?

 

[Coast GT]

I was walking down the road the other day when I saw an Afghan guy on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him “what’s the matter won’t it start?”

 

[AV8R]

Patrick and Paddy, couple of pilots, coming into land. Patrick say, “Paddy i dont know but that runway looks awfly short”
Paddy says “ dont worry son its a cinch”
Patrick say “ i dont dont know i tink ur not gonna make it”
Paddy say “dont worry Patrick its okay i got it”
Paddy lands the plane and pulls up really hard and says “ jesus be gorra thats the shortest runway ive ever landed on!”
Patrick responds....” yes Paddy sure tis but look at at the width of it!”

 

[Coast GT]

A 000 Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Brisbane much to the dismay of her colleagues.

It seems that a caller dialed 000 from a mobile phone stating “I’m depressed and laying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker.”

To which the call taker responded “Please remain calm and stay on the line.”

 

[Ozstung]

O’Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?”

"And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?” O’Leary replied.

 

[Ozstung]

Mrs O’Toole said: “I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs O’Leary I would never repeat it”.

 

[Coast GT]

Two Muslim guys crashed their speedboat into the wall at the local weir.

Police suspect it’s related to the start of Ram-a-dam

 

[OliverNuther]

O’Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?”

"And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?” O’Leary replied.

This reminds me of the ‘good old days’ in country pubs where you would all be sitting at the bar with your money sitting in front of you and when one of you finished your beer the barmaid would automatically refill all glasses without asking AND she knew whose shout it was and she just took the money from the appropriate person, again without asking.

 

[Flameangel]

Three dark Ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time in their life...
the First Lady said " I don't know about youse but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties before I get on that plane"
" why you gonna wear them for ?" the other two asked.
The first replied " coz, if that plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a cornfield, they gonna find me first".
The second lady said " well, I'm gonna wear some fluro orange panties"
" why you gonna wear them ?" the others asked.
The second lady answered, " cause if this bloody plane is going down and I be floating butt-up in the sea, they can see me first".
The third lady says " well, I'm not gonna wear any panties..."
" what ? no panties ?" the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says " that's right, you heard me right.I ain't wearing panties,coz if any plane goes down they always look for the black box first!"

 

[eflyguy]

Just, no... lol...


ok.. ok..

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you gotta admit I have one hell of a mustache!"

 

[AV8R]

Careful now, these jokes are conjuring up images that my gut can’t cope with.

 

[eflyguy]

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd
eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand
for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a
glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I
forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be
unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.

Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent
don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the
unexpected is actually expected?

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves
sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like
they're at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it
in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all
it's been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along
comes a more-talented fool.

I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe
my bookie.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have
trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me
at kick boxing.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was
Always.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two
guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still
looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than
men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the
do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had
one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you
don't have to mow it.

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by
people who annoy me.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I
couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.

 

[AV8R]

Is that a joke book? Cause thats alotta jokes lol

 

[Rango]

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.