Joke of the day

[M'Kehyah]

I have been asked... "Why did you rev on that Nissan GTR at the light? You don't have chance - even with a Stinger GT..."

I reply with a short story:
There were three bulls out in the farmer’s field, each one bragging. The mightiest bull declared that the 30 cows he had were the best. The next one (only slightly less mighty) responded that his 20 cows were by far the finest. The little bull (just nubs for horns, really) sniffed and said his two cows were, by far, the best.


Next day a truck pulls up and the farmer unloads the biggest/baddest bull ever seen! “Well! I suppose I could ‘share’ some of my prize cows with the new guy” said the mighty bull, just a bit nervously… The voice of the second bull quavered a bit as he said he would be satisfied with just keeping 8 of his bulls…


The little bull started snorting and pawing the ground with a mean look in his eye! The biggest bull said, “easy now, little guy! I am sure you won’t mind giving up your cows.” Little bull just kept snorting and pawing and said, “I just want to make sure he knows I am a BULL!”

So - I just want to make sure the GTR knows I am not an Optima!

 

[Ozstung]

Subject: "The Dinner Party" [as told to me by persons anonymous]

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring theirchildren along as well.


All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.


The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.


Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"


Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.


The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

 

[westcoastGT]

..................Google Idiot .......................

 

[MerlintheMad]

"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

Oh. I had to use Google Fu. I do not come from a drinking family. So it flew right over me.

 

[Ozstung]

How do you get rid of 160 pounds of useless fat?


Divorce it.

 

[Flameangel]

Q. Why do women wear white to their wedding?

A. To match all the other kitchen appliances.

So politically incorrect.

 

[Ozstung]

C'mon flame fight back

 

[Flameangel]

C'mon flame fight back

Mental Anxiety
Mental dysfunction
Menopause
Menstrual cramps....
ever notice how all women's problems begin with MEN ?

Man says..." why do you wear a bra ? you haven't got anything to put in there ? " woman answers, " well you wear pants don't you ? "

 

[Ozstung]

Mental Anxiety
Mental dysfunction
Menopause
Menstrual cramps....
ever notice how all women's problems begin with MEN ?

Man says..." why do you wear a bra ? you haven't got anything to put in there ? " woman answers, " well you wear pants don't you ? "

Now that's what I'm talking about.

 

[Flameangel]

Just in case you guys think I'm being too harsh, here's another one;( non-sexist )

A man buys a sports car and is really beginning to enjoy it when he sees flashing lights in the rear view mirror.
He guns it and is rapidly up to 160 kph when he realises what he is doing. He slows down, then pulls over and soon
the cop pulls up behind him.
The cop comes up to the window and asks " what were you thinking, taking off like that ?"
" well," the man replies " a few years ago a highway patrol officer ran off with my wife "
" what does that have to do with anything ?" retorts the cop,
" I thought you were bringing her back "

 

[MerlintheMad]

I read this one in a Mitford novel this afternoon:

Two women were talking about the upcoming social. "We're supposed to wear outfits that match our husband's hair color," said one of them. "So I am going to wear black."

"Oh! I had better not go at all!" said her friend.

 

[Flameangel]

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2017 Ferrari Spider.It is a convertible and cost him $250,000.
He takes it for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a Vespa scooter, wearing an open face crash helmet ( looking about 80 years old ) pulls up next to him.
The old guy looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, " what kind of car ya' got there sonny ?" the young man replies
" a 2017 Ferrari Spider, it cost me $250,000 ", " that's a lot of money," says the old guy shocked. " why does it cost that much ?"
" because this car can do over 200 kph ! " states the young man proudly.The Vespa scooter driver asks ,"can I take a look inside?"
" sure " replies the owner.
So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his scooter, the old guy says, " that's a pretty nice car alright !"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old guy what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedo reads 200kph.
Suddenly he notices a dot in the rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whoosh! something whips past him, going much faster " what on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoosh! it goes by again, heading in the opposite direction!
and it almost looked like the old guy on the scooter.
"Couldn't be ," thinks the guy."how could a scooter outrun a Ferrari ?" Again he sees a dot in his rear view mirror.Whoosh-BANG!
The scooter plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and finds the old guy and his scooter
on the ground at the back of his car. He runs up to the old guy and says " you gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari!" the old guy looks up and replies, " ok..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya "

 

[Ozstung]

Hey I gave you a "funny" don't be greedy

 

[Flameangel]

Hey I gave you a "funny" don't be greedy

 

[Ozstung]

Our illustrious moderator advised me when doing this joke thing we must keep it non political, non sexual, non racial. ....that's me stumped.

 

[Flameangel]

Our illustrious moderator advised me when doing this joke thing we must keep it non political, non sexual, non racial. ....that's me stumped.

That's why I thought about keeping it car themed

 

[AV8R]

Ok here my contribution I heard the other day.....
My grandfather gave up driving when he was sixty and has walked 5 kms a day since.
He is 95 now and we don’t know where he is!

 

[eflyguy]

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

 

[Ozstung]

So those ground crews had jokes that got off the ground. Lol

 

[westcoastGT]

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Are you sure this isnt a Kia Service Department ?? Bawaaaaaa