Joke of the day

[moinmoin]

 

[moinmoin]

 

[moinmoin]

 

[moinmoin]

 

[moinmoin]

 

[OliverNuther]

2 sharks are cruising around looking for food when one spots a couple of swimmers who have been caught in a rip and swept hundreds of metres out to sea. ‘Lunch time mate’, he calls out to the second shark as he goes in for the kill. ‘Stop, stop, stop!’ yells the second shark. ‘I’ve come across these creatures before and you can’t just smash into like you would a couple of seals. There’s a special technique we need to use. First we need to do a couple of circles around them with just the tips of our fins poking out above the surface.’ ‘Oh ok,’ says the first shark ‘and then do we eat them?’ ‘No, then we do a couple of more circles a little bit closer to them and with our fins showing half out of the water.’ ‘Rightio, no worries and then we eat them? ‘No then we do a couple of more laps around them but this time really close and our fins right out of the water.’ ‘Nah stuff all that, I’m hungry now,’ says the first shark, ‘what’s all this circle and fin crap anyway?’ ‘Well’ says the second shark, ‘these animals taste a whole lot better if you take your time and get all the shit out of them first.’

 

[westcoastGT]

2 sharks are cruising around looking for food when one spots a couple of swimmers who have been caught in a rip and swept hundreds of metres out to sea. ‘Lunch time mate’, he calls out to the second shark as he goes in for the kill. ‘Stop, stop, stop!’ yells the second shark. ‘I’ve come across these creatures before and you can’t just smash into like you would a couple of seals. There’s a special technique we need to use. First we need to do a couple of circles around them with just the tips of our fins poking out above the surface.’ ‘Oh ok,’ says the first shark ‘and then do we eat them?’ ‘No, then we do a couple of more circles a little bit closer to them and with our fins showing half out of the water.’ ‘Rightio, no worries and then we eat them? ‘No then we do a couple of more laps around them but this time really close and our fins right out of the water.’ ‘Nah stuff all that, I’m hungry now,’ says the first shark, ‘what’s all this circle and fin crap anyway?’ ‘Well’ says the second shark, ‘these animals taste a whole lot better if you take your time and get all the shit out of them first.’

Good one Ollie !!

 

[Flameangel]

 

[Hockster]

 

[Ozstung]

View attachment 40178

To be honest i can't remember what colour those seals were.

 

[Ozstung]

Subject: British Humour. Good Read!










In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.

Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are "small amounts" of horse meat in their burgers. Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK.

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, the following quips hit the Internet:

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse. I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco is going to get over this hurdle.

Had some burgers from Tesco for supper last night. I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is listed as stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... "AND THEY'RE OFF!"

Tesco is now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

I said to my spouse, "These Tesco burgers give me the trots...

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face? Cow says "Illegal ingredients are coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead horse.

Since they're selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a "Trojan Horse?"

Instead of choosing "rare, medium or well done, it's now Win, Place or Show"

At first, I thought, "Oh great, I've been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me on."

 

[Flameangel]

 

[MerlintheMad]

View attachment 40226

That is part of "the perfect joke", but it ain't funny.

 

[westcoastGT]

His words , Not mine , somehow this looks right !

 

[Flameangel]

This isn’t a joke but I found it amusing.
This is what happens when the girls at work have plenty of time on their hands because the ward is quiet, came back from days off to find my locker looking like this ......

 

[eljay]

Three car enthusiasts show up at the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter greets them. Among other things, he tells them, "How faithful you were to your wives will determine what cars you drive on the Golden Freeway to the Afterlife."

"Frank, you were married 25 years and cheated on your wife twice. Not great, but here, take this old pick-up truck. It'll get you to the Purgatory offramp, and in a few centuries we'll see what we can do to get you the rest of the way across the Bridge."

"Liam, you were married for 30 years and cheated on Lily once. You get this Audi A5. It's out of warranty, but it should get you across the Bridge before it needs major work."

Finally, St. Pete addresses Ken. "You were married for 55 years, and you never once cheated on Jane. This is a remarkable feat. Take this Bugatti Chiron, and Godspeed to you."

The three men take off in their "celestial chariots," Ken speeding ahead of the other two.
Just past the offramp to Hell, Frank and Liam see the Chiron pulled over in the breakdown lane with Ken leaning over the steering wheel weeping. They both pull over, get out, and approach the car.

Frank says, "What's wrong man? I know, you're dead, but it looks like you've got it made now."

Ken continues to cry, and Liam says, "I get it, you must have really loved your wife, and you're probably missing her now. But she'll come to you soon enough, and you can be together for eternity."

Ken looks up, tears streaming down his face, and says, "No guys, you don't get it. I just saw Jane pedaling onto the Hell exit in a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe!"

 

[MerlintheMad]

In recognition of the first lawn mowing of the year, just completed (to the tune, "I'm Looking Over a Four-Leaf Clover"):

I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
That I overlooked before
One leg is missing, the other is gone
The third leg is spread out all over the lawn
No use explaining the leg remaining
It's spinning on the carport floor
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
I hit with the lawn mow-er

 

[Hockster]

 

[Nasscar]

View attachment 40229 View attachment 40230 This isn’t a joke but I found it amusing.
This is what happens when the girls at work have plenty of time on their hands because the ward is quiet, came back from days off to find my locker looking like this ......

And a picture of Sonic there too.

 

[Flameangel]

And a picture of Sonic there too.

Yes, they managed a good likeness