Joke of the day

[Flameangel]

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans ( which I know I shouldn't ).
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, " Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight ".
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but smelled like a fertiliser truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.Then shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable !

Eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long.
He asked if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused " Happy Birthday!"

 

[Ozstung]

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans ( which I know I shouldn't ).
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, " Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight ".
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but smelled like a fertiliser truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.Then shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable !

Eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long.
He asked if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused " Happy Birthday!"

Wow most revealing i didn't that was in your ARSEnal.

 

[Flameangel]

Wow most revealing i didn't that was in your ARSEnal.

Are you trying to start a Bum fight ?

 

[Ozstung]

Are you trying to start a Bum fight ?

Sure am, you Crack me up thanks for Arsking.

 

[Ozstung]

 

[OliverNuther]

Agreed. Up until a week ago if you spent the weekend lying on the couch people called you a lazy bastard. Now you’re a selfless hero who is saving society.

 

[Flameangel]

 

[Flameangel]

 

[Flameangel]

View attachment 39917

Lol ain’t that the truth, if you fart in public, people will think you’re “ disgusting “ with no manners but if you “ cough” in public they think you’re one of the “ infected “ and treat you like a Lepper. Guaranteed to clear a shopping isle in 2 seconds flat.

 

[Ozstung]

Subject: Fw: Don't blame me, blame the virus





The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.

3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.


The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 pence coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in their back in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.

The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"


Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

 

[Hockster]

 

[OliverNuther]

 

[Hockster]

 

[OliverNuther]

^ That’s gold.

 

[Flameangel]

Two female teachers took a group of students from grade 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse.
When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilets when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their ' wee-wees'
to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help notice that he was unusually well endowed.Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, ' you must be in grade 3 ? '
' no ma'am ', he replied, ' I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help '.

 

[Hockster]

 

[Ozstung]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

[Hockster]

Skipped forward a few days....



Although using Pepsi is grounds for justifiable homicide.

 

[OliverNuther]

Ever wonder whether this whole Coronavirus thing started because you didn’t forward that email to 10 friends like you were supposed to.....?

 

[Hockster]