Joke of the day

OliverNuther said:
Marriage is like a deck of cards. To start you need two hearts and a diamond but by the end you’re looking for a club and a spade. :)
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These last few "marriage" jokes annoy my wife, which makes them even funnier to me. :laugh:
 
MerlintheMad said:
These last few "marriage" jokes annoy my wife, which makes them even funnier to me. :laugh:
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watch out Merlin she'll be limiting your computer time now , "keep away from those terrible Stinger boys and girls !! " :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: my wife just rolls here eyes and shakes her head !:rolleyes:
 
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westcoastGT said:
watch out Merlin she'll be limiting your computer time now , "keep away from those terrible Stingers boys and girls !! " :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: my wife just rolls here eyes and shake her head !:rolleyes:
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My marriage is a joke. Every day it's something. Have you heard of "the perfect joke?" (aka "Existence") God created two genders and sex (not the same thing; that too is part of "TPJ"), to start things off. We take it from there and the laughs never end. Perfect! What could make God/Existence more content than to be continually, perfectly, amused?
 
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Tarzan having swung through the trees all day was feeling a bit unwell so he went home early. "What's for dinner?" He asked Jane. She pointed pointed at a pot. He lifted the lid and saw that it was full of tiny little finches. He pulled a face ."What else have you got going". Jane pointed to a bigger pot and discovered chimpanzees floating around in the thick sauce. "Oh bugger" he said, " boring old finch and chimps again". "I was hoping for snake and pygmy pie".
 
Ozstung said:
Tarzan having swung through the trees all day was feeling a bit unwell so he went home early. "What's for dinner?" He asked Jane. She pointed pointed at a pot. He lifted the lid and saw that it was full of tiny little finches. He pulled a face ."What else have you got going". Jane pointed to a bigger pot and discovered chimpanzees floating around in the thick sauce. "Oh bugger" he said, " boring old finch and chimps again". "I was hoping for snake and pygmy pie".
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A young man can't believe his luck when he is allocated a seat beside a very attractive girl on a flight to Sydney, and decides to strike up a conversation. So he starts by asking her where she's going.

"I'm going to a nymphomaniacs' convention in Sydney " replied the girl. He suddenly becomes very interested, and asks her, "what sort of men do you like?"

"I like Policemen" she replies, " because they're big, strong and honest"
"I see " says the young man, "Well what's your second choice?"
" Cowboys" she says, " because they look look so manly with their leather and spurs and horses."
"What about your third choice?" he asks.
"Well, I like Jewish men because they're artistic, sensitive and caring".
"What's your name?" She asks the young man.
"I'm Sergeant Hopalong Bernstein".
 
Ozstung said:
A young man can't believe his luck when he is allocated a seat beside a very attractive girl on a flight to Sydney, and decides to strike up a conversation. So he starts by asking her where she's going.

"I'm going to a nymphomaniacs' convention in Sydney " replied the girl. He suddenly becomes very interested, and asks her, "what sort of men do you like?"

"I like Policemen" she replies, " because they're big, strong and honest"
"I see " says the young man, "Well what's your second choice?"
" Cowboys" she says, " because they look look so manly with their leather and spurs and horses."
"What about your third choice?" he asks.
"Well, I like Jewish men because they're artistic, sensitive and caring".
"What's your name?" She asks the young man.
"I'm Sergeant Hopalong Bernstein".
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I don't get it lol
 
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer, a couple of seconds later he hears "That's a lovely tie you are wearing tonight" the guy looks around and can't see anyone so shakes his head in confusion and gets back to drinking his beer, a few seconds later he hears "That a new haircut? it really suits you" He looks around again and still cant see anyone, the barman moves closer and the man asks "do you hear anyone? i keep hearing voices" the barman looks at him and says "oh that will be the complimentary nuts sir"
 
A husband and wife are having a bitter quarrel on their 40 th wedding anniversary, the husband yells " when you die, I'll get a headstone that says , here she lies as cold as ever "
" yeah ? " says the wife " well , when you die, l'll get a headstone for you that says, here he is stiff at last "
 
Flameangel said:
A husband and wife are having a bitter quarrel on their 40 th wedding anniversary, the husband yells " when you die, I'll get a headstone that says , here she lies as cold as ever "
" yeah ? " says the wife " well , when you die, l'll get a headstone for you that says, here he is stiff at last "
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Funny, but that's your 2nd " That's Rude, isn't it "....:):laugh::rofl::laugh::rofl:
 
Flameangel said:
A husband and wife are having a bitter quarrel on their 40 th wedding anniversary, the husband yells " when you die, I'll get a headstone that says , here she lies as cold as ever "
" yeah ? " says the wife " well , when you die, l'll get a headstone for you that says, here he is stiff at last "
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For some reason, the scene at the beginning of City Slickers popped into my head: "If hate were people, I'd be China!"
 
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Better than a Flu
Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room.

She invited him to have a

seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young

minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated of all things, a condom!


When she returned

With tea and scones, they

began to chat The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said

to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
 
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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
 
Flameangel said:
Just in case you guys think I'm being too harsh, here's another one;( non-sexist )

A man buys a sports car and is really beginning to enjoy it when he sees flashing lights in the rear view mirror.
He guns it and is rapidly up to 160 kph when he realises what he is doing. He slows down, then pulls over and soon
the cop pulls up behind him.
The cop comes up to the window and asks " what were you thinking, taking off like that ?"
" well," the man replies " a few years ago a highway patrol officer ran off with my wife "
" what does that have to do with anything ?" retorts the cop,
" I thought you were bringing her back "
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I think I'm in love with Flameangel. She's got a pair.....
 
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