Joke of the day

[JSolo]

^^Years ago I weaned off of soft drinks, pop. I'd say for at least 15 years now 99.9% of my liquid consumption has been water, usually tap, sometimes filtered. It was a strange thing at first. On the rare occasion I have an iced tea or a mt dew, the taste is strange indeed.

I think the same can be said about going vegan. Not that I care to, but if that's all there is, then what choice is there. At the local costco, the salmon fillets have gone from $8.99/lb to 14.99/lb. A 67% increase. That ain't no joke!

 

[MerlintheMad]

In an apocalypse just turn vegan and you’ll survive.

Like hell. I would be one of the first to starve to death. I would rather be dead than have to eat like my wife does.

 

[OliverNuther]

In an apocalypse just turn vegan and you’ll survive.

The only problem with that is that there won’t be any non-vegans for the vegans to feel superior to! Although it might be funny listening to a bunch of exclusively vegans trying to out-vegan each other.

 

[G70LEbyAdoom]

In an apocalypse just turn vegan and you’ll survive.

I thought the goal in an apocalypse was to find the last remaining twinkie's?

 

[Flameangel]

I thought the goal in an apocalypse was to find the last remaining twinkie's?

We don’t have Twinkie’s , maybe we over here it would be find the last bottle of wine.

 

[G70LEbyAdoom]

We don’t have Twinkie’s , maybe we over here it would be find the last bottle of wine.

Im sorry for your loss. a Twinkie is a classic snack.

 

[JSolo]

Can't remember where I saw this... maybe on fb..

 

[JSolo]

A friend decided to leave a prank vm on my car shopping phone number. This is the number I give out to dealers so they don't spam me to death with texts and calls on my primary #.

Voicemail_20220902.mp3

drive.google.com

One might think it's a legit car dealer calling. The guy is from the midwest but does a pretty good southern impersonation. In fact, until I looked at the CID detail I thought it was an actual car dealer.

This is my greeting

greeting.mp3

drive.google.com

Not bad for a synthesized voice.

 

[eljay]

 

[Chark]

So my wife is a little bit mad at me...

I was kicked out of the craft store because I got caught dipping my balls in the glitter bins.

She demanded an answer as to why on Earth I would do such a thing.

I told her I wasn't going to lie, the reason was pretty nuts!

 

[Ozstung]

Paddy says to Murphy "Have you seen the news? 3 Cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!" "Unbelievable said Murphy i can't believe they all had the same name."

 

[Ozstung]

 

[Ozstung]

 

[Ozstung]

 

[JSolo]

Laugh or cry, this is our future.....

 

[cncBilly]

Laugh or cry, this is our future.....

Wow! Is about all I can come up with. Just WOW!

 

[n8hegr8]

what kind of bees make milk?

boobees

 

[n8hegr8]

what do you call a fake noodle?

impasta

 

[AusStinger]

FIRSTLY A WARNING. IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH ARE ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DO NOT READ ON.

OK so this is not a joke, but an actual event that happened this morning while I was riding home from a mountain bike ride that I thought I'd share since I laughed so hard I crashed my bike into a bush near home because I was still laughing uncontrollably about it.

To set the scene.....

I'm at an intersection waiting for the lights to change to cross the road with a lady and her dog to the left of me also waiting.

To the left of her ( but walking towards us ) is an elderly Chinese couple ( man in front an woman behind ).

As the man and woman get closer to us, I ( and coincidently the lady to my left ) notice the elderly Chinese woman with her left pinky finger buried deep in her left nostril.

She pulls out a sizeable booger with a gelatinous trailer.

Me being me, I blert out "Well that's breakfast covered!"

The booger woman panics somewhat and goes to wipe it on herself but at the last second decides that a bad idea and instead puts it in her mouth !

The lady to the left of me has an immediate ( and INTENSE ) deep gag reflex and I burst out laughing so hard I nearly fell off the bike.

The couple continue to walk past us as the lady to my left continues to gag but trying not to vomit.

Light goes green, I ride off really slowly ( because I'm still screaming laughing ) and then hear Lady with her dog lose the battle and vomit.

I get within a block of my home and as mentioned at the start, still laughing uncontrollably, I crash my mountain bike into a bush and lay there for the next 5 minutes trying to breath. Came home and am still struggling until the wife calls and asks what's wrong ? And it begins again.....

 

[MerlintheMad]

^^^That kind of laughter is good for your health, but don't multitask when doing it. Your story illustrates this very well.